It seemed like every piece of good news was tempered by another setback. Even on the days when she was doing well, I felt the pressure of knowing this would probably be our last visit together, because it will be a long time before we are able to make another trip out there.
On that one bad day, when she held me close to her like she never wanted to let go, I knew exactly how she felt about me, and I know she understood my feelings as well. I told her there was still one more day left, and I would be back to see her. "One more visit, Grandma. I love you. I'll be back tomorrow." She nodded, and closed her eyes.
The next day, the night before we left, she was awake and much more like her usual self. As she gave me clothing advice, she told me I was beautiful. She told me she was proud of me. She told me she loved me. I held her hand, feeling the strength in her grasp, and told her how much I loved her. I told her how thankful I was to have her in my life. I thanked her for all the prayers and love she has given me. I leaned close, to hear her whispered words of love.
There was a lot of talk about last words, of saying everything that you want to say. Do you realize how impossible it is to sum up a whole life in a few sentences? Do perfect words even exist? But I realized something. We didn't need to share special last words, not the kind of last words so often spoken.
I don't have a score to settle with her. I don't need to offer or ask for forgiveness. I don't need last minute advice, because she has always poured out her advice on me - the most important of which is to follow God. I am not afraid for her soul, that was settled long ago, and I know Jesus is waiting to welcome her home when the time comes. I never had to wonder where I stood with my grandma. There has only ever been love between us.
I'm thankful for that today. I'm so thankful that we spoke the most important words every time we talked, in every card we exchanged, in every thought we had of each other. Because our last words are just an extension of the words we always shared.
In this, there is peace.
I love you, Grandma. I always will.
Linked with Pour Your Heart Out.
Aww, Tracie you said this beautifully and perfectly, Tracie. I know this feeling so well and even though my own grandmother is indeed long gone for a few years, I too feel blessed for all those last words and moments that we did have. Tracie, thank you for bit of a reminder here today. Hugs toy you. Once again keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, too.
ReplyDeleteTracie,
ReplyDeleteI am a friend of your mother. Maureen and I went to high school together. I am also a friend of your aunt Dianne. Dianne and I met at a grief group, she had lost Debbie and I had lost my thirteen year old son Brian. I am so glad you had some time with your grandmother. It is beautiful that you have no regrets and the time together was of pure grateful reflection. Your grandmother is a beautiful person inside and out as you well know. I think you have a beautiful spirit and a thankful heart in knowing you were part of a wonderful Godly family. Your grandmother left a wonderful legacy in her children and grandchildren.
Thank you for sharing your struggles and trials in your blog, through your pain many others have been inspired. I know you are grateful for the talent God has given you to write so eloquently and to be able to encourage others in proclaiming there is hope, healing, and victory in a disrupted life. All the best to you in your new career.
Linda Briseno
So very very true and beautiful and such an important reminder - that having somebody in our life who we don't need to try and figure out all of the last words with because they've been said all along is such an amazing gift. This is the best ever and I hope that you have a chance to read it to her - but if you don't, I hope and know that writing it was amazing for you and for the rest of your family. Hugs and further peace to you.
ReplyDeleteOh what a blessing it is to realize this Tracie! I am so glad you have such a beautiful relationship full of so much love!!! Peace... oh yes, my friend. Have peace that all those years loving each other says it all.
ReplyDeleteGrandmothers are always so special and have learned the true gift to give...unconditional love and support.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this with us. Sending you warm hugs and much love:-)
This is just beautiful and a wonderful way to begin the week. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteGrandma's have a special part in our lives and the memories that we spend them stay with us forever.
ReplyDeleteThis is perfectly said. Sending you lots of love, Tracie.
ReplyDeletewhat a beautiful relationship you have. there's a special place for grandma's and she'll stay with you always. words are not even necessary. you know.
ReplyDeleteThat was very beautiful and special, thanks for sharing with us.
ReplyDeleteSo very sweet & beautiful!! I miss my grandma, but still have conversations with her daily as I know she is with me every step of my life....
ReplyDeleteI'm very happy you were able to see her one last time. I had a similar experience with my own Grandma, knowing it was most likely the last time I'd see her, but I knonw that these memories with her will be sweet and comforting to you always. I love what you said at the end about not needing forgiveness or having a score to settle. So important. Thanks for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautiful. I have tears streaming down, just thinking about my own grandmothers.
ReplyDeleteAnd my grandfather - I knew the last time I saw him would be the last. It was.. hard. And also blessed.
My heart is so happy that you and Katarina got this time with your grandmother. I know these things are never easy, and it's that much harder that it's not just a hop, skip, and jump away.
ReplyDeleteAs always, you have such a way with words, I feel like I was there with you. I know my heart was with you, and will continue to be.
Love you, my dear. Keeping you all in my prayers.
I know exactly how you feel the last words, my dad passed away and we had many last words...
ReplyDeleteThis post made me think of my nanna who I saw only today but she has more bad days than good nowadays which is sad
ReplyDeleteWhat a gift to have that time with your grandmother. You'll always remember and treasure it.
ReplyDeleteSo beautiful. Continuing to keep your family in my prayers. xo
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautiful. You are both blessed to have such an amazing relationship. And you will cherish that forever. xo
ReplyDelete