How (Not) To Relax In A Bathtub

Thomas is convinced that a relaxing bath will cure anything. When I'm stressed, or the day has been much too long, or I'm sick, he will offer to make a bath for me (or he will suggest that other thing, but that is a story for a different day).

And sometimes, even though I know I'm not a bath person, I will imagine a relaxing bath. I think about warm water, bubbles, candles, a book, and maybe something to drink.

I will give in to the idea of the bath.

Not my feet. Image Credit: Kozzi

This is always a bad decision. Those things sound good, but when you put them together, they are not good at all.

This is what really happens when I try to take a relaxing bath...

After waiting a really long time for the tub to fill with water, I get impatient and climb in when it is only half-full. This gives me the horrible sensation of being half hot and half cold. As the water level climbs, more of me will be warm, but because our tub is short, I will never feel entirely warm.

My hair is the next problem.

Before getting into the tub, I will have secured it in a bun or ponytail.

Hair tip: It is not comfortable to lean against the wall with a bun or ponytail pushing into your head.

I try to combat the hair issue by holding my head strategically, so it is resting comfortably on the wall behind me without the offending bun or ponytail in the way. This strategic position usually results in a painful kink in my neck.

When I move my head around to try to relieve the kink, at least some portion of hair makes contact with the bubbly water.

We are now approximately five minutes into the bath. The top half of me is cold. I'm staring at the ceiling, holding my head strategically, trying to relax.

Relax.

Play with the bubbles.

Relax.

Think about how I should have added more bubbles.

Relax.

Put my foot on the facet. Think about the episode of the Dick Van Dyke show where Mary Tyler Moore got her foot stuck in the facet. Take my foot off of the facet.

Relax.

Stare at the ceiling some more.

Relax.

This is not working. I have stared at the ceiling far longer than I enjoy. It is time to bring out the book to stave off the boredom that has taken hold.

The book is the solution. The book is also the next problem.

Book tip: Books do not like water.

In order to keep my beloved books from getting wet, I take book protection precautions. I pick a book that I enjoy, but don't love. The book comes into the bathroom wrapped in a hand towel. I also have a second hand towel sitting next to it.

The second towel is key, because by this point, my hands are already wet. I use the second towel to dry my hands completely before removing the book from its wrapping.

One page into the book, I have a realization - it is not comfortable to hold a book high in the air while reading. It is also difficult to see the words.

Reading tip: Reading by candlelight is hard.

This necessitates a decision. Will I stop reading, or will I get up to turn on the light? One minute spent staring at the ceiling, and I know my answer. The light must come on.

First, I wrap the book up carefully in its towel, and set it out of the way. Then I stand up, get out of the tub, walk over to the lightswitch, and turn it on. While getting back into the tub (all of me is cold again), I will inevitably knock the second towel into the tub, rendering it useless for hand drying.

Once I get resituated, I reach for the book, using its towel to dry my hands. And my face. I'm not sure how my face got wet, but it did.

Although I can see the words now, holding the book up above the water is still uncomfortable.

I've been in the bath for approximately 15 minutes, and have yet to relax.

I force myself to stay. Surely the relaxing is going to happen, and my book is getting good.

By the next page, I have forgotten I'm sitting in a tub of water, and I've scratched my knee - submerging my hand in water. It is, of course, the hand that is farthest from the edge of the tub. There is no place to set the book down, because everything is wet from when I climbed out of the tub. And when I try to dry my hand with the book towel, it falls into the water.

I am 19 minutes into this bath thing, and it is time to evaluate how it is going...

The top half of me is still cold, my hair is wet and soapy, the water in the tub is cooling, my book has gotten wet, the smell from the candle is giving me a headache, and I realize that I forgot to make myself that drink.

I give up. Baths do not relax. They are not my thing.

Are you a bath person?
What is the secret to having a truly relaxing bath?

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