Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

There is a movement happening in the blogosphere. Jess from Makeunder My Life wrote a post called Things I’m Afraid To Tell You. Ez of Creature Comforts took the idea and ran with it (she has an extensive list of participant links), and the Huffington Post published a piece about it. Now Lisa from joycreation, and Robin from Farewell Stranger are keeping it alive.

The idea is to move past the the life and person we present to the world (especially in the online world where it is so easy to pick and choose only the best parts of ourselves to share), and share some of the things we hold back.

Are you wondering what I could be afraid to tell you? I've written about surviving childhood sexual abuse, what it is like to grow up with a hoarder, living with depression and anxiety attacks, my adventures in cooking (remember the time I gave myself food poisoning?), and on one particularly brave day I showed you my stretch marks.

I assure you, there are still things I hold back, although sometimes I want to write about them.

1. I am super competitive.
I like to win. Even at little things like having the highest Bejewled Blitz score.
(Did I just link to a video post of my high score? Yes. Yes I did. Clearly I am not afraid to show you that I am a dork.)

2. I struggle with jealousy.
When something good happens for someone I love, I'm honestly happy for them. But underneath that, in the dark corners of my heart, I sometimes cry, "Why not me?"

3. I did not go to high school, and I have a GED.
At the beginning of tenth grade I got a migraine (it lasted for two and a half years, and is a story for another day). I had to leave school two months into the year - not that I was attending very much with doctors appointments and hospital stays.

I was sixteen when I got my GED. It was one of the worst decisions of my life. I have constant feelings of insecurity and inferiority, and when I think about that GED sitting in my drawer, it reinforces all those feelings.

Further reinforcing that are memories of the day I tried to join the military three years ago. I sat in an Air Force recruiters office, and as soon as he heard "GED," he said, "You are a drop out and a fucking loser. The military doesn't need you and we certainly don't want you. Get out of my office and quite wasting my time bitch." (That is an exact quote. His words are burned into my memory.)

No matter how much I tell myself he was wrong, his words echo in my mind when I think about applying for anything where I will have to admit to the GED, and I'm crushed all over again.

4. There are so many things I want to try, but don't.
Sometimes it is procrastination, sometimes it is a lack of motivation, a lack of funding, or I feel overwhelmed, but the biggest reason is fear. I'm so afraid to fail, I do nothing.

5. I'm afraid to tell you where I live.
I almost told you in November, but I was terrified to commit to the whole story, so I held back. In that post, I said, "My mind is not ready yet, to share that much of myself, but this is a start."

Writing is a part of me. It helps me. And my mind would return to thoughts of writing about where I live again and again, especially on hard days.

In March, I could no longer hold back the words, so I wrote one of the hardest posts I have ever written. I shared it anonymously on Band Back Together, still too frightened to own those words completely. (Oh, and the comments? They helped to heal my heart. That is the power of blogging.)

Today I am going to claim those words. My words. My story. My life. And tell you that I live in a hotel.

It is not easy, and it certainly isn't what I imagined I would be doing at 29. But I am aware every day how blessed I am to have my family together, and have a roof over our heads. I also know we are not alone, more and more families are finding themselves in this position.

6. I do not like Charles Dickens.
I feel bad because his books are classics, and I think I should like them. But A Tale of Two Cities is one of the three books I have not finished reading. After my twentieth attempt, I accepted that it was never going to happen.

7. I wish I could dance.
At least once, I would love to be able to do some super-fancy-awesome dance moves that would wow everyone in the room. What room that would be, I'm not sure, because I don't ever go anywhere where dancing happens...but if I did, I would like to have the moves and the confidence to get out there and be spectacular.

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That's it. Seven things I've been afraid to tell you. I spent time this weekend reading through some of the other posts that have been shared, and they are incredible and empowering. I want to encourage you to follow the links at the top of this post, and check them out. And maybe write one of your own. I would love to read it.

I'm going to take a deep breath and hit publish now.

Are there things you are afraid to say on your blog?