I have one picture of Peter, It was snapped when I was nine and he was ten, a week after our uncle died (the timing of that picture is not lost on me). There are other pictures in storage somewhere, but this is the one that I have here with me. I pulled it up on the computer and stared at him, trying to imagine what he looks like now.
It has been a long journey, me working up the courage to hit call after clicking in those numbers, but this was the night I would ignore the crushing grip of anxiety and actually do it.
Ring.
In that moment, my thoughts cleared enough to realize what I really wanted, "I hope I get voicemail and he is on the recording. I don't know what to say. I just want to hear his voice."
Ring.
I heard the rattle of a phone being picked up from its cradle.
One second. Two seconds.
No hello. Just the crash of the phone being slammed down in my ear.
It is remarkable how much more final it sounds when someone uses a landline phone to hang up on you.
*The name of my cousin has been changed.
UGH sweetie I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you. Sometimes, especially when it is male relatives, they have a hard time grasping the reality of what we endured. I am sorry that it is possible his brother has tainted his opinion of you and for that I am sorry as well. Be blessed with who you are, and who you have become, and that your child is safe and loved and will never have to endure what you did.
ReplyDeleteooooh, the feeling that came after I can only imagine.
ReplyDeleteI've recently had a similar experience... I called a number I know by heart, and what was told back to me was this, "I'm sorry but this number is no longer taking phone calls from this number." My number is blocked.
One of the biggest kick to my stomachs ever.
*sigh* Hope you're doing okay!
Oh Tracy! I am SO sorry!
ReplyDeleteI hope this was not an outright rejection of you, just someone who didn't want to bother for whatever reason.
ReplyDeleteUgh. If you need me I'm here... and I will not hang up on you. Hugs and prayers. I'm so sorry this happened.
ReplyDeletewent back and read the cousin story. Though mine were in emails (better for posting for others to read) pretty much heard the same thing, though from my person who did the most damage. AS always hugs, healing and heart to you for sharing. I know how much this helps others as well as ourselves.
ReplyDelete(hugs)
ReplyDeleteGood and healing thoughts to you.
ReplyDeleteKate
Just remember, you can only control your own actions and decisions, not those of anyone else, no matter how badly you would like too.
ReplyDeleteThat is a very final click :(
ReplyDeleteOh, honey. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteAnyone who knows how difficult and heartbreaking it is to have to set up boundaries that affect other relationships in irreparable ways can only hurt on your behalf today. (((((HUGS)))))
This is beautiful. And horrendous. You are a brave soul!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry.
ReplyDeletexxoo
ReplyDeleteYou tried and reached out. You can't control anyone else's reaction. xo
ReplyDeleteOh man, I am sorry. Sending hugs. Kudos to you for getting the courage up and dialing. You DID IT.
ReplyDeleteTracie,
ReplyDeleteYou had BALLS. You tried. And I'm sorry for the reaction you got. HUGS, sweetie. and I'm going to DM you my phone number, because I'll never hang up, either.
love you,
me
I am so sorry but continue to keep him in prayer - I know you will. Maybe someday he will call you. Bless you!
ReplyDeleteI can't say that I know how that feels. And knowing you, I also know that you are glad of that for me. I do know that somewhere inside of him, one day, if not this day, he will know what it took to make that call and it will matter. Until that day, allow your heart time to rest with the knowledge that you did try. Let your heart be buoyed by those who love you dearly. Let your heart be carried by God. Because He truly knows the woman you are and it is mighty.
ReplyDeleteSending my love (and apologies for having been away awhile, We have been a very sick family.)