Bargaining With God

I want to get real honest with you about prayer. Sometimes I find myself approaching prayer like it is a negotiation.

Maybe it was all of those Bible studies and books I read as a teenager: 10 Steps to Effective Prayer, How to Pray like Jesus, Using Scripture to Pray, Fasting like Daniel with 21 Days of Prayer, Seal the Deal on Your Prayer Contract (okay, I definitely made that last one up, but you know the books I am referring to). I don't think those books and studies are inherently bad, but I think they might have messed me up a little bit.

I start to pray. While I'm praying, a part of my mind is focused not on the prayer, not on the Lord, but on the act of prayer.

The strategy seeps in. I pause my request to make the words more proper. I remind myself to praise before I ask. I mentally search for a verse to apply to the situation, so I can first remind God of His words. I couch my request in a plea to "do this for Your kingdom, not for me, but for Your honor."

I'm not concentrating on God, because I'm distracted by the need to get the prayer right - to be perfect in my attitude and words.

If that wasn't enough, as all of this is happening, another voice kicks in, and says, "Is this a waste? It isn't like God doesn't know that you just thought out what you were going to say in your little bargaining session while you were doing it. He knows your heart, and that means He knows you are not really praying out of your heart, but out of formula and strategy. You aren't fooling Him."

I have to pause and answer that voice back, "Fooling Him? I wasn't trying to fool Him. I was praying effectively.....right? Obviously I couldn't fool Him. I was just trying to do it right. Now I need to stop thinking about doing it right, and reprimanding myself, because this is probably nullifying all the right words I was trying to use."

Does that sound like a lot of prayer is happening? Not really. I know there is nothing effective about having a separate conversation with myself about not having a strategic prayer conversation with myself while I'm trying to pray.

Reverence. Praying scripture. Concentrating on God's will. These are all great things, but after a while I start to feel like I'm bargaining with God instead of talking to Him.

I miss the talking. I miss the relationship. I miss the easy flow of words.

I don't want to play a messed up game of Let's Make A Deal anymore. I don't want to spend so much energy concentrating on getting it right.

I want to remember...
- The times when I called out to God in desperation. The times when I cried out with what were probably the most hurt, confused, scared, un-strategic prayers I have ever prayed, and God gave me a miracle.

- The times I sat quietly and worshiped, and the times I rejoiced loudly.

- The times I pleaded with Him for big things, and the times I marveled at little things, and the times I just told Him about my day.

- The times I reached out to friends and prayed in a group, and the times when I prayed alone.

- Times I yelled, and the times I whispered, and the times I didn't even have words of my own to say.

...because I might not have followed the (probably valid, and sometimes even based on the Bible) formulas shared in a book during all those times, but I had relationship moments.

I talked to God. No negotiations, no bargains, no strategy.

Just me and God.

Just me and God - that is amazing! I don't want to miss out on time focused on our relationship because I'm having another strategy meeting with myself.