Parenting Without Shame

Shame.

It shrouded me in its shadow for many years.

Not always readily visible, but if you looked and listened closely, you would have been able to see it.

I worked hard, as I walked the healing path, to shred the shame of sexual abuse.

It would creep back and reattach itself, and I would shed it again.

Moving.

Molting.

Growing.

I know that the sexual abuse from my childhood was not my fault. I did not cause it. I did not invite it. I do not own it, or the shame that came with it.

I conquered the shame.

So why, when I was reading a blog last night, was I hit in the gut with a fist-full of a new kind of shame?

The post.
The writer told a story about her time spent in an internship, where she came in contact with a sexual abuse survivor named Amber. She shared that Amber's story of abuse stood out because it was not a violent rape, saying, "Many of the children fell victim to abusers who saw them more as objects than as children. Amber’s perpetrator attempted to make her feel special..."

Why does this post bother me?
I was surprised that a professional would see Amber's case as unusual. Many sexual predators groom children as a way to gain their trust, and cloak their abuse in "games" and affection and "love". The fact that he made her feel special does not mean that he actually saw her as anything more than an object to satisfy his perverse desires.

Amber's story - being groomed for the abuse, not experiencing a violent rape ("violent rape" being a misnomer, because rape is ALWAYS an act of violence and never an act of love or affection), having confusion about love and boundaries, being in denial about the abuse and feeling love toward the abuser - a story similar to my own.

There is a part of me that wants to scoop Amber up, and hold her in my arms; and stop people who don't understand her from writing about her story.

....and then there are the comments.
The comments show a level of ignorance that is astounding to me.

"I think sometimes the perpetrators really don't think they're doing anything wrong."
Excusing the actions of the perpetrator, is half a step away from blaming the victim. There are some cases where a perpetrator does not have the mental cognition to understand, and may be acting out things he does not fully comprehend, but certainly those cases are extremely rare exceptions.

Sexual predators know they are doing something wrong:
-They do it behind closed doors, not out in the open.
-They tell the child to keep it a secret, through the ruse of it being a "game" or through threats.
-They manipulate situations and people.
-They do not talk openly about it.
-They lie when confronted.

"How can these victims grow up to parent children with healthy boundaries when they never knew them themselves?"

Most abused children do NOT grow up to become abusers. It is possible for survivors to parent with loving, healthy boundaries. Only 40% of sexual offenders report being abused themselves as children. Approximately 70% of sexual offenders of children have between 1 and 9 victims; 25% have 10 to 40 victims.

The fist-full of shame hit me when I read that last comment. It was not shame over the abuse, that was discarded on the path long ago, it was shame over my choice to be a parent. 

I want to give grace to the author and commenters, to say that they did not mean to imply what my heart heard, "Abused children grow up and become abusers, they should not parent." I hope that was not what they meant. But last night, a voice whispered to me, "Is that what people think about you, when they learn you are a survivor? Should a sexual abuse survivor be a parent?" 

Are they questioning my ability to parent healthy?

The shame reached out and grabbed me with its cold hands.

...but I do not own that shame, it is not mine, and I do not accept it!

Not only do I parent with healthy boundaries, 

I empower my daughter to develop boundaries and a voice of her own.

I will continue on the healing path, molting this new shame that tried to enslave me, growing and moving forward. 

I will not allow the ignorance of other people to define who I am, as a person, as a survivor, or as a parent. 

Have you ever questioned yourself as a parent because of something that someone else said? 

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