The Alamo, Fresh Bread, and a Spiral Staircase

On a hot morning, my class rode in an old bus to the Alamo. It was not as exciting as I had imagined it to be. In my mind, the Alamo would be big, sitting out in the middle of the desert.

In reality, it seemed quite small, dwarfed by the large, city buildings all around it. We spent time inside, taking a tour. There were a lot of flags and glass boxes that contained historical items. 

The Alamo visit was followed by a picnic lunch, and then we were on our way to a bakery. As the bus parked in front, the smell of fresh bread hung heavy in the air. The tour guide walked us through the kitchen, and we saw each step of the baking process.

With promises of fresh bread when we returned, we walked across the grass to the old, original bakery building, and waited in the hot sun while the iron door was unlocked. Inside, there were large ovens and a few long, wooden tables that had been left behind when the transition to the new building was made years earlier. 

The tour guide shared the history of the buildings and business. I'm sure I would find it all fascinating today, but at four years old, I only had eyes for the spiral staircase in the corner. 

"Are we going to climb up that?" I whispered to my friend Maria, gesturing to the staircase. She answered with a shrug. 

I stared at the big ovens, imagining fires burning and bread baking - imaginations made easier by the smells floating through the air from the building next door - until the word "staircase" quickly brought me back to reality. We would be going up.

Maria and I grinned at each other as we waited our turn to climb the stairs. 

Step by step. 

Halfway up, I reached out my hand to touch the wall, and green paint flaked off onto my fingers, revealing the white stucco underneath. 

We found the top floor to be empty, except for several wooden chairs. The ceiling was low. This did not bother me, as I was quite short (the way four-year-olds tend to be) but I noticed my teacher was slumping over just a bit. We walked across the room to the exit, and instead of another spiral staircase, there was a hole in the floor with a ladder leading down to the room below. 

One by one, we climbed down the ladder. I followed Maria, careful to not let my fear show through as I placed my foot on the first rung. "Hurry up!" I heard a small voice call out, above me, but I ignored it, and moved slowly down the ladder, breathing a sigh of relief when I reached the safety of the ground floor. 

We returned to the bakery for our promised bread, fresh out of the oven. Eaten outside, under the shade of a large tree, the bread was so warm and fluffy, it nearly melted in my mouth. We piled into the bus, each holding a loaf of fresh bread to take home, and headed back to the school.

When my mom picked me up that afternoon, and asked how my trip to the Alamo went, I answered her by announcing that one day I wanted to live in a house with a spiral staircase and light green walls.

Red Dress Club Prompt:
School trips. We all go on them. What trip do you remember the most? Write a memoir post about a memorable school trip.

Do you have a favorite memory of a class trip? 
Image Credit - Flickr - OZinOH

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June Edition - Blog Against Child Abuse

The June 2011 Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up at Leslie's Illusions.

The theme is Healing. 

I want to thank Leslie for all the work she did this month, hosting and organizing the carnival. 


 This month marks the fifth anniversary of this carnival! It is beautiful to think of all of the healing that has happened, and the stories shared, and the support received over the past five years. I feel very blessed to be a part of it. 

There are a lot of great submissions. I hope that you will be blessed as you read through them, and show some support to those who have shared their hearts and healing journeys with us this month.

Thank you for raising your voice and speaking out against child abuse. 

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse provides an opportunity to raise awareness about the serious issue of child abuse and to share important posts with others who may not be frequent readers of an author's blog, and expose one's work to a wider audience. There are so many wonderful bloggers who are contributing to the cause of ending and recovering from child abuse. If you, as a reader or author, know of other blogs that you find helpful, please encourage them to submit to an upcoming issue of the Carnival Against Child Abuse; and please bookmark that page so we can continue to receive high quality submissions from a wide swath of bloggers.

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Do You Read the Last 10 Pages of the Book?

My love of books is well known. Reading has never been a chore to me, but a wonderful gift. That being said, I have spent two weeks forcing my way through the longest book in the history of the universe, Atlas Shrugged.

The John Galt character's 45 page speech is an experience that can only be described as painful. It took me two days to read his speech, because I had to keep stopping and doing other things, to restrain myself from gouging my eyes out.

When I was feeling particularly bogged down, I turned to facebook to see what other people do in this situation...

(someone else added the choice, "Skip to the end to see if the middle is worth it" I do not endorse the 'skipping ahead' or 'reading the end first' methods of book reading, but if you do this I will still love you.)

I was very surprised to see how many people are able to put a book down and not look back.  I have only done this with three books in my whole life, and if I allow myself to think about them, I still wonder what happened in the end.

All those lovely words begging to be read.

Thomas told me that my poll reminded him of something he heard on the radio earlier that day. (While he is at work, he listens to the Philips Phile, a local talk radio show that mostly drives me crazy.) The main talker (DJ? not dj, because they don't play music...what is the right word? Talk show host?) announced to the world that he stops reading books with only 10 pages left if he is done with the story.

WHAT?

How do you just stop reading with only 10 PAGES LEFT?

There should be rules. Laws!

Without the last ten pages of Jane Eyre, Jane and Mr. Rochester would never get married. Without the last ten pages of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, the Pevensie children would live in Narnia forever, never returning to our world. Every book by Agatha Christie would be ruined....oh and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes....loosing the last ten pages would destroy Sherlock Holmes.

I can only hope that this man does not read mysteries.

I can bend my mind around the idea that a book just isn't for you and you don't keep going, even though I am driven to finish the whole thing (one friend said she gives a book 100 pages to suck her in before she puts it down), but the idea that you would read all the way to the last ten pages and never finish....that is incomprehensible to me.

-When you are reading a book that you aren't loving, do you finish it, or can you put it down and walk away? 
-Have you ever stopped reading a book with only 10 pages left to the end? 

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The Queen Chef Extraordinaire

I grew up in a Taco Bell family. We didn't own a Taco Bell. No, we just stopped by to pick up dinner most nights. Sometimes we cheated on The Bell, and visited other places, but I remember a lot of 59 cent pintos and cheese.

A few months after Thomas and I were married, I stopped working at the bookstore and made my new gig as wife a full time thing.

Boxes unpacked? Check!

Bathroom cleaned? Check!

Carpet vacuumed? Bed made? Check and Check!

I reigned as queen of our little house, except in one room. The kitchen.

Sure, I unpacked all those neat gadgets we received as wedding presents - waffle iron, blender, bread maker, food processor, toaster, crock pot, and coffee maker - but, except for the coffee maker, I had yet to use any of them. They were more shiny decorations than cooking instruments.

The kitchen had to be conquered. If I was going to step up to that stove, I figured I should start with something I knew. I thought back to the few times a year my mom cooked. It was either a pot roast, pork chops, artichokes, or chicken with Dale's Seasoning. I remembered helping her with the pork chops once, so I decided that would be a good place to start. Pork Chops with Cream of Mushroom Soup.

I called my mom, and got the recipe.

Ingredients bought and assembled, I was ready to cook. My plan was to have dinner on the table when Thomas got home from work. I followed mom's recipe exactly, thinking to myself that this was easier than I expected it to be. When the pork chops were finished, they looked just like the ones my mom made.

I was Tracie, Queen of the Kitchen, Chef Extraordinaire.

I was so proud of myself. Until an hour after dinner, when I started to feel...something. Something, not so good.

Something that was definitely not queen-like.

It was the first time I cooked after getting married...and I gave myself food poisoning.

This is why I don't eat pork chops, and why Thomas does all of the cooking.

The Red Dress Club prompt:
The first time I ___-ed after ___-ing.




Have you ever accidentally poisoned yourself or your loved ones?
(please tell me I'm not alone in this!)

Since I those early days of marriage, and in the time since I first wrote this post, I have become a bit more proficient in the kitchen. I think it is good to look back at this on those days I'm tired of making dinner. A good reminder of how grateful I should be that I can cook dinner for my family without making us all sick.

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Father's Day - From Katarina

This is one of my favorite pictures of Thomas and Katarina when she was a baby. 

Instead of telling you all the things Thomas does that make him a wonderful dad, I am going to let Katarina take over the blog for the day and share a letter she wrote for her dad.





Father's Day - From Katarina....

Dad,

You are cool, because if you have hair gel, you can turn your hair into a mowhawk.

I like it when you flip me over (when I lean on your back and you are sitting down) and I like that you land me on the bed and don't drop me on the floor. 

I love you.

I like that you do a lot of silly things that make me laugh hysterically.

Sometimes when we sit in the car while mom checks our mail, we make plans to sing a funny song when she comes out...and we sing it way too much and way too loud. 

When we stop at a gas station, you get a fruit smoothie juice for me, because you know they are my favorite.

I like it when I get to go to work and help you. 


And last but not least, I like it when I always beat you at wrestling and when we call each other silly names like Koopie-Wah and Koopie-Doodle.


Happy Father's Day to the best dad in the universe!!!!

I love you,
Katarina Hope =)

Happy Father's Day, Thomas! 

Thank you for being such a wonderful dad to our little girl. 

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Parenting Without Shame

Shame.

It shrouded me in its shadow for many years.

Not always readily visible, but if you looked and listened closely, you would have been able to see it.

I worked hard, as I walked the healing path, to shred the shame of sexual abuse.

It would creep back and reattach itself, and I would shed it again.

Moving.

Molting.

Growing.

I know that the sexual abuse from my childhood was not my fault. I did not cause it. I did not invite it. I do not own it, or the shame that came with it.

I conquered the shame.

So why, when I was reading a blog last night, was I hit in the gut with a fist-full of a new kind of shame?

The post.
The writer told a story about her time spent in an internship, where she came in contact with a sexual abuse survivor named Amber. She shared that Amber's story of abuse stood out because it was not a violent rape, saying, "Many of the children fell victim to abusers who saw them more as objects than as children. Amber’s perpetrator attempted to make her feel special..."

Why does this post bother me?
I was surprised that a professional would see Amber's case as unusual. Many sexual predators groom children as a way to gain their trust, and cloak their abuse in "games" and affection and "love". The fact that he made her feel special does not mean that he actually saw her as anything more than an object to satisfy his perverse desires.

Amber's story - being groomed for the abuse, not experiencing a violent rape ("violent rape" being a misnomer, because rape is ALWAYS an act of violence and never an act of love or affection), having confusion about love and boundaries, being in denial about the abuse and feeling love toward the abuser - a story similar to my own.

There is a part of me that wants to scoop Amber up, and hold her in my arms; and stop people who don't understand her from writing about her story.

....and then there are the comments.
The comments show a level of ignorance that is astounding to me.

"I think sometimes the perpetrators really don't think they're doing anything wrong."
Excusing the actions of the perpetrator, is half a step away from blaming the victim. There are some cases where a perpetrator does not have the mental cognition to understand, and may be acting out things he does not fully comprehend, but certainly those cases are extremely rare exceptions.

Sexual predators know they are doing something wrong:
-They do it behind closed doors, not out in the open.
-They tell the child to keep it a secret, through the ruse of it being a "game" or through threats.
-They manipulate situations and people.
-They do not talk openly about it.
-They lie when confronted.

"How can these victims grow up to parent children with healthy boundaries when they never knew them themselves?"

Most abused children do NOT grow up to become abusers. It is possible for survivors to parent with loving, healthy boundaries. Only 40% of sexual offenders report being abused themselves as children. Approximately 70% of sexual offenders of children have between 1 and 9 victims; 25% have 10 to 40 victims.

The fist-full of shame hit me when I read that last comment. It was not shame over the abuse, that was discarded on the path long ago, it was shame over my choice to be a parent. 

I want to give grace to the author and commenters, to say that they did not mean to imply what my heart heard, "Abused children grow up and become abusers, they should not parent." I hope that was not what they meant. But last night, a voice whispered to me, "Is that what people think about you, when they learn you are a survivor? Should a sexual abuse survivor be a parent?" 

Are they questioning my ability to parent healthy?

The shame reached out and grabbed me with its cold hands.

...but I do not own that shame, it is not mine, and I do not accept it!

Not only do I parent with healthy boundaries, 

I empower my daughter to develop boundaries and a voice of her own.

I will continue on the healing path, molting this new shame that tried to enslave me, growing and moving forward. 

I will not allow the ignorance of other people to define who I am, as a person, as a survivor, or as a parent. 

Have you ever questioned yourself as a parent because of something that someone else said? 

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The Only Kiss

My paternal grandfather always leaned over to give my grandmother a quick kiss before he left the house, and another kiss when he returned. It was consistent and sweet, this small display of love.

I remember Valentine's Day, when I was fourteen. I had spent the weekend at a Disciple Now retreat, and returned home that Sunday, after church. 

My house seemed a slightly different place than I had left. My parents had bought a new computer desk that was sitting in the space between the family room and kitchen. Across from the new desk was our kitchen table, with a vase of lovely, yellow roses sitting in the middle. Everything was clean, neat and tidy. 

My parents seemed slightly different, too. More happy than usual. There was an air of giddiness in the house that I was not used to feeling. 

We ate dinner that night, unremarkable except that it was one of the few meals eaten sitting at the table.  

My father left the room to retrieve gifts. A large, white teddy bear for me, with a box of candy. For my mom, another box of candy and a necklace. 

He leaned over and gave her a quick kiss. 

In my childhood, there may have been other kisses and hugs shared between my parents, but this kiss is the only one that I remember. 

Maybe that weekend without a kid around took them back to the early years of their marriage, or maybe it was the united effort to clean the house and put together the new desk that changed things...whatever it was, my parents were slightly different that day. A difference that would not last.

Today, when Thomas left for work, he said "I love you" and leaned over to give me a kiss. After the door closed, I thought of kisses never shared, and words not often spoken, and a marriage that did not survive. 

The Red Dress Club prompt:

This week we would like you to write about how the show of affection has played a part in your memory.

Choose a time when either the abundance or lack of affection (either by you or someone else) stands out.

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Now Accepting Submissions for the June 2011 Edition of the Blog Against Child Abuse

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is a monthly event. Its purpose is to raise awareness about the serious issue of child abuse. All forms of abuse—physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, verbal—are discussed. We highlight blog posts, from child abuse survivor stories and their art & poetry, to child abuse as a topic in the news media, as well as PTSD, dissociation and other areas of the abuse "aftermath" that adult survivors are forced to deal with. We also link to hopeful posts about therapy, recovery and healing from abuse. All forms of child advocacy and awareness are included.


The June edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse will be hosted at Leslie's Illusions. 


Our theme this month is Healing. Leslie's announcement post has some questions about healing. They are questions that are on her heart, but I think they are questions that are important for all of us to think about. 


All of our regular categories will also be open:
-Advocacy and Awareness
-Aftermath
-Healing and Therapy
-In the News
-Poetry
-Survivor Stories
-Art Therapy


The deadline for submissions is June 22nd, and I'm excited to see what y'all will share this month. You can submit something written especially for this edition, but please feel free to submit an older post as well. 


This month will mark the fifth anniversary of this carnival! It is beautiful to think of all of the healing that has happened, and the stories shared, and the support received over the past five years. I feel very blessed to be a part of it. 


If you are interested in hosting an upcoming edition of the carnival, please let me know! 

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse provides an opportunity to raise awareness about the serious issue of child abuse and to share important posts with others who may not be frequent readers of an author's blog, and expose one's work to a wider audience. There are so many wonderful bloggers who are contributing to the cause of ending and recovering from child abuse. If you, as a reader or author, know of other blogs that you find helpful, please encourage them to submit to an upcoming issue of the Carnival Against Child Abuse; and please bookmark that page so we can continue to receive high quality submissions from a wide swath of bloggers.

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How to Have a Not Bummer Summer

Last weekend, we attended a pre-screening of Judy Moody and The Not Bummer Summer, which earned me major cool-mom points with Katarina.

Judy Moody and The Not Bummer Summer is based on the characters created by Megan McDonald in her Judy Moody book series.

The basic plot: Judy has a plan to combat a summer vacation full of boredom - a contest to see which of her friends can earn the most "thrill points" by completing tasks, such as: ride a roller coaster (bonus points if you keep your hands up), learn to surf, watch scary movies (without closing your eyes), and ride an elephant.

Her plans are thwarted as she learns that two of her friends already have exciting summer plans lined up that will earn them thrill points faster than you can say "circus camp", which is where one of the kids is spending his summer (I want to go to circus camp! How fun is that?). Judy's parents have to make an unexpected trip to California, leaving Judy and her brother Stinky in the care of their eccentric, gorilla-artist Aunt Opal.

Judy Moody and The Not Bummer summer is very cute. There are lots of laugh moments, and a few cringe-worthy poop and puke moments (a little tip from me to you - during the roller coaster scene, feel free to hold your hands up over your eyes and close those eyes until it is over...you don't need thrill points bad enough to watch that). I think it is a movie that both girls and boys would enjoy.

This movie feels like a kids movie in all the best ways, bright colors, fun costuming, snippets of animation, fantastic situations full of imagination, and a search for BIG FOOT!

A thought on casting - can we be really honest about child actors for a minute? Most of them are annoying, and painful to watch (and don't pretend you haven't thought the same thing). I was pleasantly surprised by Jordana Beatty's UN-annoying portrayal of Judy Moody, she really impressed me.

From Katarina (in her own words):
"It was a really great movie! I especially liked how they crossed animation with live actors. I hysterically laughed at the part where Judy almost ate Big Foot poo on the bottom of her sandwich; and the part where Opal drove into the sign and an elephant head fell on the car. I also loved the part where Judy and Opal made trash can hats. Watching the movie made me want to read the books."  

Judy Moody and The Not Bummer Summer opens in theaters on June 10, 2011

Check it out and make your summer thrilladelic! 

Rating: PG, for mild rude humor and language. (there is a conversation about whether or not "crap" is a bad word)
Cast: Jordana Beatty (Judy Moody), Heather Graham (Aunt Opal), Preston Bailey (Frank), Jaleel White (Mr. Todd)
Credits: Directed by John Schultz, written by Megan McDonald and Kathy Waugh, produced by Sara Siegel-Magness and Gary Magness. 
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I was provided with free passes to the pre-screening, but I was not compensated in any other way. Relativity Media did not require me to say nice things about the movie, the opinions are all mine. They also did not require me to eat an entire large tub of popcorn by myself...but that is a different story.
____________________________________________________________________________________________

Have you and your kids read the Judy Moody book series?

Are they excited to see the movie? 

.....and the most important question.....

Did you go to circus camp when you were a kid?

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Fun Shoes Are Necessary

Happiness is a pair of fun shoes for a little girl's feet.

What is making you happy today?

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