A Successful Covert Mission

Every good blogger spy knows that you can't share information with someone who does not have the proper security clearance. Please pull out your papers and let me inspect them.

Okay. Looks good.

I think you are ready to hear about this covert mission that Vanessa and I did on Friday afternoon.

Our Mission: Focus Rally America Callbacks

Our contact, Amy, sent us an email which instructed us to meet at a hotel. Wear pattern-less shirts, no white, no black, because it is better for the camera it makes it easier to not get noticed by enemy spies. We were to wait in the lobby and under no circumstances were we to speak to anyone! We had a phone number, and once we arrived we were to text only our names (Every good blogger spy knows that you can't trust that your cell phone isn't bugged) to our contact. Then we were to wait until further instructions, while being careful not to talk to anyone. The message might have self destructed in five minutes, so it was a good thing that we wrote that phone number down.

Vanessa came to my house early so we would have enough time to get there. We weren't exactly sure where we would be going, and of course we wouldn't be able to ask any of the hotel staff possible enemy spies for help or directions. (We could have really used that Ford Focus GPS-*hint hint*)

We made it there, parked in a covert location, donned our spy gear, and entered the hotel lobby.

This is a picture that we may or may not have intercepted as it was picked up by hotel spy security. It is a good thing we wore those high-tech spy costumes, or we might have blown our covers.

Vanessa's iPhone chirped at us (Every blogger spy knows that you have to have the most up to date spy equipment). Come to Room 318. Some people would have turned back at this point. Run away in fear and confusion. Not me and Vanessa. We are committed to drive a Ford Focus across country, and nothing will stand in our way-not possible ax murderers, not spy missions, not getting a hotel room number when we were expecting a conference room. We are fearless.

Fearless, but smart. Vanessa discussed possible weapon ideas holding her keys in the ready position so she could poke someone in the eye if it was necessary to make a quick getaway.

When we got off the elevator, I made sure to say hello to one of the housekeeping staff as we headed down the hallway. (Every good blogger spy knows that on Law & Order they question the hotel housekeepers and show pictures of the missing person to them. Spying is all about being prepared for a possible abduction) We both breathed a sigh of relief when we saw two smiling and laughing girls coming out of room 318, they seemed fine.

When we reached the door, we were greeted by Amy and Jen. We had actually met Jen on Wednesday night and Amy is the one who had been emailing with Vanessa, so I immediately felt at ease. It also helped that Jen and Amy are super cute and fun.

The first thing they did was take our pictures. It was a bit like getting a mug shot, we held white boards with our names and phone numbers on them.

After the pictures were taken, it was time for the camera interview. It was pretty funny. We sat very close to each other (at this point I should probably apologize to Vanessa for that onion bagel I had for breakfast) and chatted. We were sitting in chairs completely surrounded by lights and the camera was right in front of us, with Jen and Amy sitting behind it.  Vanessa and I introduced ourselves and then we started answering questions. After the first question I pretty much forgot the camera was there and just talked. It felt like we talked for a long time and also like the time went very fast.....and then it was over. Mission completed.

Vanessa and Tracie in the elevator after our interview!

Now we wait. They still have more casting calls going on, so I'm not sure when they will watch all the videos and pass them around to all the people who make these decisions. Unlike a lot of the people who we saw at the first casting, Vanessa and I have never tried out for a reality show before, so we really don't know what happens next.....but we are hopeful. And really, who could resist watching us?

Now that you have been briefed on the mission, are you ready for your first assignment? You do want to watch us online, right? Your mission, should you choose to accept it is to tweet: "I want to see Vanessa @baptistness and Tracie @fromtracie on #Ford #FocusRally America http://ht.ly/2ZRJe @FordFocus " (Every blogger spy knows the power of twitter) If we get picked for the show and win, the ten people who help us the most will each win a 2012 Ford Focus to embark on spy missions of their own, so tweet away! Also, you can read Vanessa's side of the story.

This was such a fun experience. I would definitely do it again, and no matter what happens, Vanessa and I will be getting together again in the future. We probably won't sit quite so close to each other, but we will still have a blast! Because every good blogger spy knows that good friends, even the new ones, are something special.                                                              

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Avocado and a Frosty. Enough Said

This has been a week to meet bloggers. On Thursday I went to a lunch at Wendy's with some local bloggers to try out the new Pick 2 Menu. It was a first for me. Not going to Wendy's, I have one right by my house and go there all the time. Meeting bloggers for lunch was a first. Let me set the scene...

I arrived at Wendy's about thirty minutes early. I realized that no one was there as early as me, so I sat in my car and waited....and looked at the pictures of salads. I may have also drooled, but I'm not admitting anything.

I was pretty set on the Apple Pecan Chicken Salad, but then on the way in the door I saw this sign:

And I knew that there was no way I wasn't going to get that Baja Salad, because I am all about the avocado.

Once inside, I had a sudden realization, how was I going to know who I was meeting? I tried to imagine what a blogger would look like.

And then I saw her. A woman in a pink shirt plugging in a laptop. She had to be a blogger, right? There she was at Wendy's with a laptop. I gathered up all my friendliness and walked over to her, "Hi, my name is Tracie. Are you a blogger?"

She quickly closed the computer and said, "No. I'm not one of those. I'm just looking at my wedding pictures."  She seemed, slightly scared. I wonder if she knows what a blogger is? (Moments like this are why bloggers should wear shirts that identify them as such at all times)

I tried to put her at ease by telling her I was a blogger and was there to meet other bloggers for lunch and when I saw her with the laptop I just assumed.....but that didn't seem to make her feel any better. Her husband arrived at the table with their food and I went off in search of more people to scare bloggers. Thankfully Jessica and April arrived shortly after that and saved the day.

Lured by the thought of avocados, I ordered the Baja Salad off of the Pick 2 Menu, which also has chili, pico de gallo and tortilla strips. It comes with a creamy red jalapeño dressing, but I don't normally like spicy dressings, so I asked to swap it out for the avocado ranch dressing- yum! For my second item I got a Frosty.

Let me just say here, that the salads are described as being half sized, but they were bigger than what I expected and by the time I had finished mine I was pretty full...but not so full that I didn't eat every single drop of that Frosty, because not finishing a Frosty should be a crime.

The food was yummy and it was fun to meet some nice bloggers too.

Tracie and Jessica

Amanda and Tracie

Tracie with Jennifer and her cute daughter

I didn't get pictures of all the bloggers because I was too busy slurping up every last drop of that Frosty because there was so many of us.





Here is some fun news. Wendy's gave me an extra gift card that I am going to pass on to one of you. It is for $7, and with the Pick 2 Menu being $4.99 you can get a salad and a Frosty and still have enough left over for another Frosty (really you can get whatever makes you happy, there are are potatoes and other things there, but I can't imagine passing up a Frosty!)

Leave a comment (or two, or ten, or twelve-you know you want some Frostys!) and I will randomly pick a name next Saturday to send the gift card too. I will email the winner, so please make sure your email is enabled in your profile or is in your comment. That way I can get in touch with you without having to employ the use of smoke signals.

*I was given free lunch thanks to Wendy's and The Motherhood and I was compensated for my time. There was no requirement to say nice things and the opinions are all mine. 
**I pulled a name out of a hat and the winner is One Cluttered Brain. She has 48 hours to send me her address so I can mail her the gift card. 

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October Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

Thank you for all these great submissions this month. Y'all are awesome! There is some very powerful posts in here. Blessings to each of you. 


Advocacy and Awareness:
~Patricia Singleton submitted Cyrus Webb Interview Link at Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker
Patricia: October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Cyrus Webb interviewed me on the topic of "Should Love Ever Hurt?"

~Lois M Brenner submitted The Effects of Divorce on Children
Lois: Couples often get caught up in their own anger, drama, the messy divorce process, the desire for revenge and the division of property and finances. But, who is looking out for the children and what are the effects of divorce on children?



Aftermath:
~Chrysalis submitted Father's Day Phone Call at Dialectic Dichotomy
Does feeling guilt when your abuser's feelings were hurt indicate that you deserved the abuse? NO! Chrysalis is such a great example of how to be a compassionate person with a loving heart, but still protect yourself and make strong choices.

~Leslie submitted Forgiveness is NOT a Magic Bullet at Leslie's Illusions
Leslie: Every where I turn i.e. religious and secular sources, web sites, books, people...it feels like everyone is telling me to forgive as if that is a magic bullet that will make me feel better. This post is what I would like THEM to understand.

~Splinteredones submitted What Kids Think at Splinteredones's Blog
Splinteredones: It doesn't go away just because it stopped.


Healing and Therapy:
~Angel submitted God Whispers at Angel Believes
Angel: God whispers to the spirit within us, feeding it when we cannot stand any longer. Breathing life into it and keeping us on our feet and in His hands. God whispers His love, God whispers in our ear that we will stand one day on the other side of this and know deep down only He could bring us through.

~Patricia Singleton submitted Dear Family Member - Notification About Incest Happening in Family at Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker
Patricia: At one point in my counseling, I decided to write a letter to my dad's family of origin telling them why I would not take care of him. I needed to do this to set boundaries with them and him.

~Marj aka Thriver submitted Going Through the Memories at Survivors Can Thrive
I'm submitting this post for the carnival because it was a healing topic that a reader requested I write about. And it seemed to be helpful for other readers as well.

~Dr. Kathleen Young submitted Overcoming Shame Through Connection at Dr. Kathleen Young: Treating Trauma in Chicago
A good reminder that having connections, opening ourselves up to other people makes it easier to release the shame and move forward in healing.

~Shades of Ivory submitted Waking Up at Shades of Ivory
A realization that saying the truth about an abusive childhood won't cause the sky to fall is perspective changing and life changing. It is like waking up.

~Mike McBride submitted Emotional Abuse at Child Abuse Survivor
A powerful and enlightening look at emotional abuse and how it continues to effect us years later.


Poetry:
~Blue Morpho submitted Poetry, Halloween, and Healing at Adventures in Anxiety Land

~Rick Belden submitted Out of Body at Poetry, Dreams and the Body


Survivor Stories:
~AM White submitted Cycles of Abuse at From Survivor to Thriver
This is such a story of courage. Being aware of the cycle of abuse in her family, and making the intentional decision that it would stop with her.

~Patricia Singleton submitted Just A Mom at Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker 
Patricia: My mother was not the mother that I needed her to be when I was a child and being sexually abuse by my dad.

~Donna submitted I Will Not Be Silent by April Maley at Allergy Kid Mom
A review of a survivor's book that puts a human face on the problems that go with abuse and addiction.

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Did I Just Give an Ax Murderer My Address?

I had a moment the other day when I had to wonder that. I just finished talking to Vanessa from Much More Than Mommy on the phone, and we were going to meet in person.

Vanessa had gotten an email about a casting call for a new reality tv show called Focus Rally: America that will be airing on Hulu. She forwarded it to me and asked, "What do you think?"

My first thought, "That is just so crazy, it would have to be awesome." I was all about it!

There is a natural course for blogging friendships. You start out commenting on each other's blogs, and that turns to emailing. Eventually you take the leap and reveal your name and your life through a facebook friend invite. Sometimes there is a phone call or a skype session. One day you meet up at a blogging conference or in an incredibly public place. Not me. I went straight from the facebook friendship to this other, slightly less known step in the blogging friendship where I invite the blogger to my house and then plan to go on a five week long competition road trip with each other.

That is how I got to Wednesday afternoon. Waiting for Vanessa to arrive and hoping that she was really Vanessa. And not, you know, Victor the Vicious or Sid the Stalker. I was pleased to see that in person, Vanessa is just as sparkley and fun as she seems on her blog...and she didn't have an ax or a shovel with her, so I felt pretty safe.

There is a short video of our meeting, but I think it has been rated top secret to protect the dorky (referring to myself there) and you have to have a blog reading security clearance of at least 92 to be able to view it.

Yes. I totally made up that blog reading security clearance thing. I'm just saving you from a level of dorkiness that not a single one of you is ready to witness....and Vanessa hasn't let me see it yet.

We hopping in her car and made our way to downtown Orlando for the casting. We passed a 7-11 that was not a gas station (it was inside a building with offices) and found our destination. After successfully navigating the parking garage with was extremely twisty and had a stairwell with these strange people sized holes in the wall (which we may or may not have considered crawling through commando-style)  we were ready for our closeup.

Here is a picture to prove it:

Vanessa and Tracie 

A few minutes before we took that picture, we were interviewed by Jon Busdeker from the Orlando Sentinel. We told him our crazy story about just meeting, but he must not have thought that we were too crazy because we made it in his article. Thanks Jon!

Paperwork came next. One of the questions was, "What is the most interesting thing that someone would not know by looking at you?" and I restrained myself from answering "I am actually a unicorn". Then it was time to get in line for two hours. Which could have been boring, but our fellow line standers kept both of us entertained.

We were joined in line by Zeke (not quite his real name) who was sampling, and by sampling I mean drinking many many goblets of wine at Urban Flats when he saw the sign up for the show and decided to give it a go. His theory was the more wine the better, because they are always looking to cast at least one crazy person on a reality tv show.

We were standing there talking, when we heard it. What might be the most obnoxious sound in the world. A guy driving down the road slowly revving his engine to show just how stupid cool he is. It was loud. LOUD. And no one thought he was cool. But then there was another sound. See that truck? The silver one...it is an unmarked police vehicle.

The siren turned on! The lights started flashing! The crowd went wild! Just look at Obnoxious Guy there, waiting for the police officer to write out his ticket. When he got that ticket, there was literal cheering and clapping and high-fiving of the police officer. It was awesome.

Vanessa is going to tell you how she started to feel sorry for the guy, but I was heartless and cheering. Let me tell you now, that is just because I love you my dear readers and I knew what a great blogging moment that was to witness. When I was cheering I was only thinking of you....and of how great it was that Obnoxious Guy got that ticket, because clearly I am not as nice as Vanessa.

There was also Toronto Girl (that is her real name of course) she asked us how we met. Upon hearing our story, Zeke asked, "What IS a blog?" Which prompted me to act out this video for Vanessa.

Then a guy walked by wearing two incredibly large sombreros. I would have taken a picture, but he also looked slightly menacing, so you will just have to trust that there is no way I'm making that up.

Toronto Girl gave Zeke a lesson in how to swing a golf club correctly.....lacking a golf club they used his empty wine glass which narrowly missed hitting Vanessa in the head.

Just as it was starting to get dangerous, the woman who was in charge of the line told us to keep an eye on her because she would give us a hand signal when it was our time to walk to the table to speak with Jen, the casting producer. We watched her carefully and at our cue (that's show business talk, right? Cue. I am ready for this tv gig!) we moved to the table, turned in our paperwork, and spent a minute telling her about ourselves.

At this point I'm sure you are wondering what this reality show is all about. What would inspire us to stand in line for two hours hanging out with Zeke and Toronto Girl? Here's the scoop. It is a race across America. Just me, Vanessa, and a Ford Focus 2012 for five weeks.

Okay, there would be five other teams, and we haven't officially been chosen to participate yet, but positive thinking never hurts. While driving across country we will be getting help from followers and friends on social media, blogs, facebook, twitter - that mean YOU. The exciting thing about helping us is that when we win...when we leave all the other teams behind in a cloud of dust....when we drive over the competition....the 10 people who helped us the most will each get their own Ford Focus.

I have to say that no matter what happens with the show, it was definitely worth it to go hang out with Vanessa at the casting and have all that fun. I laughed so much last night. Although I'm really hoping to hang out with her for five weeks on the road.  We established that we both sing along to the music on the radio, Vanessa is not at all scary (in face she is pretty awesome!), the Ford Focus has a GPS and parallel parks itself........so add in some junk food, and I think we are ready to go!

Part 2 of this story, A Successful Covert Mission or When We Went to CALLBACKS.

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Midnight Pilates

I have decided to take up exercising. I know. You never expected it of me, did you? Tracie. The junk food junkie (which might explain why I need to exercise! Just a thought) the woman who doesn't run unless she is being chased....and the other person has weapons.

I partly blame Erin, the exercise queen. She talks about doing the Jillian Shred dvd and I think, "I could do that" well, not Jillian. There is no way I'm doing THAT, but I could pull out my Denise Austin Pilates again.

I started out easy. The first week I got the dvd out from where it was hiding behind the tv and set it on top of the dvd player. That was a major feat.

At least once a day I looked at it. My eyes felt skinnier already.

I knew that if I really wanted to concentrate on doing Pilates correctly, I would have to do it when everyone else at my house was asleep. I made a commitment to myself....Midnight Pilates.

I was doing really great. My friend helped by tweeting encouraging things to me.

One night I skipped though. The next night I wanted to go to bed a little early. I realized that skipping two nights in a row was the pathway to quitting, so I talked myself into doing 11:30 Pilates.

Thomas happened to still be awake, so I told him that I was going to do my Midnight Pilates a little early.

Thomas, "How long does it take?"

"About twenty minutes," I told him.

I started getting ready, putting on exercising clothes, filling up a glass of water, braiding my hair, and pulling out the dvd. And yes, I realize that there is something ludicrous about doing all of this at midnight every night.

Thomas, "Oh. Do you have to use the tv to do that?"

Tracie, "Um. Yeah. I don't just lay down on the floor and DO pilates that I make up in my mind. I have to follow the instructions."

I turn on the dvd and start Pilating. Yes I made that word up. Don't judge.

Denise's Perky Voice, "Zip up those abs! Pull that tummy in!"

Tracie's Mind, "okay breath out. Suck in tummy...........ah! I'm holding my breath again. Breathe out."

I am in the middle of doing this:

(I know you are thinking to yourself that it doesn't look hard, but there is more movement involved!)

I realize that I am being watched. I look up and Thomas is just sitting there staring at me. Which makes me feel silly and then the giggles start. Have you tried holding in your tummy, breathing, and balancing all while having a giggle fit?

It gets harder when you are doing this:

Denise's Perky Voice, "Hold it...two more seconds. Keep those abs tight and pulled in. Slowly lower those legs, but keep your shoulder blades up off the ground"

Tracie's Mind, "She is going to make me do this one more time. Breathe out slowly and HOLD THOSE ABS IN"

Thomas, "How much longer do you have to do this?"

Tracie ignores Thomas.

Deinise's Perky Voice, "This is all about the core. Think about your core and hold those tummys up and in"

While doing this:

Tracie's Mind, "Yeah yeah. The core. I'm going to core YOU Denise."

Then I have to do something that looks like this:

(Only I'm doing all of these at the same time. And there is no beach.
Also I'm walking uphill in the snow both ways.)

At that moment Thomas pipes back in with, "She doesn't have a belly button."

Tracie (out of breath and balancing on one foot), "What?"

Thomas, "She doesn't have a belly button."

Tracie, "What are you talking about? Yes she does. You can see it right there."

Denise's Pesky Perky Voice, "You are doing great! Just five more seconds now...keep concentrating on that core. Your abs are pulled in and you are growing taller. Grow taller. Elongate. Now let's do something a little harder...."

Right, because growing taller isn't hard at all.

This is exactly how I looked. Promise.

Tracie's Mind, "Breathe out very slowly. Suck in stomach. Suck in stomach. Don't fall. Why do I feel lightheaded? Oh! Breathe back in...but only a little bit because I have to SUCK IN MY STOMACH"

Thomas, "You know what I mean, there is no where for her belly button to go."

Tracie, "Really? I am over here balancing on one finger and you want to have a conversation about where skinny people's belly button's go? Is that what we are going to do right now?"

End Midnight Pilates.

All these pictures are from Photoree because I certainly wan't going to ask Thomas to take pictures of me Pilating. 

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Accepting Submissions for the October Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

I will be hosting the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for October. We are going theme-less this month, but all of the regular categories will be open:


-Advocacy and Awareness
-Aftermath
-Healing and Therapy
-In the News
-Poetry
-Survivor Stories
-Art Therapy

The purpose of the Carnival Against Child Abuse is to raise awareness about the serious issue of child abuse. All forms of abuse - physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, verbal - are discussed. We highlight blog posts from child abuse survivor stories, survivor art and poetry, child abuse as a topic in the news media, as well as PTSD, dissociation and other areas of the abuse aftermath that adult survivors are forced to deal with. We link to hopeful posts about therapy, recovery, and healing from abuse. All forms of child advocacy and awareness are included. 

I'm looking for new posts that you have written specifically for the carnival, or an old post from your archive. You are not limited to just one submission!

You can submit your posts here using the form, or you can email your links to me at fromtracie@gmail.com 

I'll be taking submissions until midnight Wednesday, October 20th and the carnival will be posted on Friday the 22nd. 


Thank you! I'm excited to read all of your fabulous submissions this month.

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Once Upon A Time There Were Books

I was watching tv. 

Not really. I was reading a book. 

Thomas and Katarina were watching tv. 

Then I heard it. 

The commercial that broke my book loving heart. 

It struck me to the core.

It crushed me.

"Once upon a time there were books...now there's VReader"

The the only sound that could be heard in my house and possibly the surrounding county was....

!?!?!?!?!?!?What!?!?!??!?!?

That is me screaming.  Some of those question marks might represent profanity.

Also, Thomas may or may not have had to restrain me from throwing things at the tv.

~For the purpose of this post I will not bore you with my feelings about this product that I have obviously never tried. It might be a wonderful tool to get your child interested in reading. I'm thinking that it will probably get your child interested in playing the games included. 

~I am restraining myself right now from commenting on the fact that it certainly doesn't have any advanced books-although it is supposedly suitable for kids up to age seven. 

~Do you see how I am keeping myself from discussing how it could possibly promote laziness and non-learning when kids can just click the "read to me" button instead of doing the reading themselves? 

~This is not me telling you that I fear that dancing cartoon characters with every word takes away from the imagination experience kids (and adults) get from reading books. I will not allow myself to use phrases like "slippery slope" or "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" when referring to the VTech V.Reader, but only because they seem too nice.

Instead, I am going to talk about that line from the commercial. 

"Once upon a time there were books....now there's V.Reader" 

It makes me sick to type that. 

I love to read books. 

Seriously. I LOVE books. 

Not just the reading of books. I love the feel of a book in my hand. I love the smell of a book. Books have their own unique smell depending on the binding and type of materials used to make them. Old books are especially delicious (to smell, not eat). I love the feel of pages, the sound of them turning. 

When I get a new book I always do the same thing: 

Hold it.

Feel the weight of it. 

Turn it over and inspect the outside cover.

Pet it.

Open it up and caress the pages.

Inhale. 

Start reading...from the first page.

Sometimes when I pass by a bookshelf I can't help but pet my books. Run my fingers across them. Smile lovingly. Think about who I might want to loan a certain book to, or what book needs a re-read. 

I am an only child. When I was growing up, books were my friends. They were my escape from bad places. They were my teachers. They were my inspiration. As I read, I stretched and grew and expanded my mind. That has never changed.

I have taught Katarina that books are a precious gift. Being able to read them is a privilege that not everyone experiences. I have stood in the bookstore with her and seen her pick up two different printings of the same book, touch the pages and inspect the binding to make her choice.

A few weeks ago when Thomas noticed me smelling a book we had a conversation where words like "clinically insane" were thrown about. Then a little voice from the backseat piped up, "I've smelled my books. The American Girl ones smell the best. I think it's the shiny paper". That is my daughter!

Once upon a time there were books....and we all lived happily ever after.

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Happiness is Flowers Picked by a Child

Hand picked by Katarina...

Purple flowers with a hint of yellow...

Appreciating something that other people dismiss as a weed...

....makes me happy!

What is making you happy today?

.

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Lovely and Versatile

I recently received a couple of awards. I am not a good rule follower, so I don't always post these and then follow the instructions, but I do want to send a thank you to Tammy at Nurse's Notes for the Versatile Blogger Award and a thank you to Martha at A Real (Upstate) NY Housewife for the Lovely Blog Award.

Y'all are very sweet and making me smile today! 

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Grace and Dreams

"They don't have a clue what it is like to live my life. Let them come do it for a month and then see what helpful advice they have for me. I don't think they would even make it a few days. But I don't wish that on them, I don't hate them or want them in pain. Let them keep their cushy lives....and stop trying to run mine."

I know the darkness of depression as it closes in. I know the hopeless feeling of not knowing what move to make next and hoping that everything will just stop....and contemplating exactly how to make it stop....only holding yourself back because of those who would be left behind. And even in that moment, wondering if they might not just be better without you anyway.

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I wonder what exactly grace is. How to live in it. What it means. How it actually applies to a real life. A life lived shattered, torn, and often in darkness.

I find myself begging for grace silently in my heart. Never asking out loud. Never wanting to hear that rejection or try to explain once again a life that someone else will never understand.

Prayers for grace that often sound like, "Please. I just can't take it anymore. Please. Just help me. I have no words, I have no plan that will work, I just need You to do something, to let me know that I will make it through this."

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I wonder if living grace is much less about receiving it than it is about giving it. Giving it to those who don't understand. Choosing to treat their opinions and advice, even when they are extremely painful, as coming from a place of a good intention. I'm sure that they often do come from that place. I'm sure that those people have no idea how much their words cut. At least, I hope that is true. So today I choose. I choose to release anger and hurt caused by their words and show them grace.

They might not extend that grace to me. They might never try to understand, or forgive me for not following what they think is the best path. I will extend grace for that too.

My heart tells me that these people aren't in my life. Not really. They aren't there for the good moments. They don't mourn with me or rejoice with me. Their involvement is more akin to a drive-thru. Or maybe a drive-by.  They care as much as their schedule allows, not as much as their heart can love. <--but this isn't really grace is it? This is my judgement of them. Of their hearts and positions. I am grieved over the judgement that just came from me.

This is the cost of allowing heart feelings to become entangled in relationships. If I truly believe what my heart feels about them, how can I have any relationship? How can I move past that pain? Only a changing of expectations. No longer placing my life in their path with an expectation of love or grace from them-because it probably won't happen.

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I struggle to find a family identity. A heritage that is older than I am. When I was a child I dreamed that I was adopted. Reading books like Face On The Milk Carton only exasperated these dreams. I fantasized what it would be like when I finally met my "real" family.

When I got older, I accepted that I was indeed the child of my parents, at which point I had new dreams. Dreams of tracing back my family tree and finding distant family members who lived far off....and of course in the most perfect of dream worlds we would meet and feel an instant connection that would only strengthen with time. I would move near them and carve out a new life (intentional, perfect, and lived in a small cottage somewhere most likely in the United Kingdom.)

I see now that I have placed the burden of my dreams on my very real family. The ones who do exist and already have relationships with me. They will never be my dream UK family. There is no cottage with roses covering it sitting next to their houses and no new life hiding by them just waiting for me to start living it.

Life is happening now. It isn't waiting for dreams to start or come true. Because they probably won't. That is why they are dreams. They happen in the dark places...only to disappear when the light of day shines down on them.

Maybe grace can be found in letting go of those expectations and leaving the irrational dreams behind. The most merciful thing that I can do for myself and my extended family. Maybe releasing those dreams worshiped in the darkness will bring in the light of morning and life.

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Happiness is Relaxation

I love sitting down to cross stitch. It requires a high level of concentration, and yet has a simplicity about it that allows my brain to think deeply about other things. It is kind of craft perfection.

If you are looking for the information about my friend Erin, who will be a guest on Oprah tomorrow, you can scroll down or click here.

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Erin Merryn Is Living For Today and So Much More

Today I want to tell you about my incredible friend Erin. 

Erin Merryn is a survivor, advocate, author, and truth speaker.

Stolen Innocence

Speaking with her pink diary

At age 19, Erin published her first book, Stolen Innocence. It is a memoir taken straight from the pages of her diary.






Erin's cousin Brian started sexually abusing her when she was eleven years old, and that abuse continued until she was thirteen. Stolen Innocence chronicles Erin's life from 11 to 18. Reading it, you see a child turn into a women, while navigating through depression, flashbacks, self-injury, counseling and forgiveness.

After Stolen Innocence was published, Erin Merryn  went to college to get a degree in social work. She had a published book, speaking engagements, television interviews, an eating disorder, and a secret she had never told anyone. Erin knew that she would have to release this secret if she was going to be able to move forward. She began writing and journaling. Her second book, Living for Today was born out of that writing.

This is her secret, when Erin was six years old, she was raped by her best friend Ashley's uncle.  After the rape, Erin stood outside and pinky promised Ashley that she would never tell anyone, because Ashley's uncle had told her if anyone found out they would loose their house. Erin kept that promise until 2007, when she broke her silence to her mom, and eventually to the police in an official report.

Living For Today is a powerful book. The subtitle is: From Incest and Molestation to Fearlessness and Forgiveness. That really speaks the heart of the book, and Erin's journey. I don't want to give any more of it away, because you have to read it for yourself, but I will just say that no matter what happens to Erin, she walks through it with grace and strength that is an inspiration.



Erin Merryn continues to travel the country speaking and advocating for survivors. She is also focused on Erin's Law, which would require that elementary schools educate children, in an age appropriate manner, about sexual abuse - safe/unsafe touch, safe/unsafe secrets, how to get away, and how to tell!

The Clothesline Project event at
Northern Illinois University

Speaking in Washington DC at the
 National Leadership Conf. 2010

Do you want to get involved with Erin's Law? It is as easy as a phone call. The Illinois State Senate already passed it. In November, the House will meet and it is important that Erin's Law SB2843 is brought up for a vote. You can contact the Speaker of the House Michael Madigan and tell him why Erin's Law is so important, and ask him to bring it up for a vote during the November veto session.

Michael Madigan Speaker of the House

6500 S. Pulaski Rd. Chicago, Il 60629

(773) 581-8000

mmadigan@hds.ilga.gov (topic of email: Erin's Law SB2843)

After Erin's Law passes in Illinois, Erin plans to take it national, but it is important to get it passed at the state level first. One day I know that I will proudly cheer when Erin's Law goes nationwide and children all over America are educated about sexual abuse. It won't prevent abusers from abusing, but it will give children a voice, knowledge of what to do if it happens, and a chance to make it stop!

I can't encourage you enough to read Erin's books, she is an inspiring woman. 

You can find her at her blog, and on twitter. One other exciting place that you can find Erin Merryn this week is on Oprah. Erin will be on Oprah Wednesday, October 6th to talk about Living for Today and Erin's Law! It is a powerful interview that you don't want to miss, so set your DVRs or VCRs to record it if you won't be home that day.

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Pain In The....What?

I have been having this issue with my ear.  It started a few years ago. Every few months or so I would get an earache. It would last a couple of hours and go away. The last three months it has been getting worse, the pain is more often and higher in intensity. Now I'm going on two weeks of ear pain. 

Yesterday Thomas told me to find a clinic to visit. 

He thinks it is my wisdom tooth.

Last night my mom told me to go to urgent care. 

(because I have an extra $8,975.62 laying around to pay for an urgent care clinic)

She thinks it is my ear drum.

I broke down and called my doctor pharmacist.

(My motto: When faced with medical difficulties, call a pharmacist-they have to answer the phone, and they are free.)

The pharmacist was no help. He failed me.

This pain in the ear is quickly becoming a pain in my...you know.

SO

I did what every hypochondriac loves/fears to do.

I turned to the internet.

At first I wasn't sure that WebMD was the place for me. Every hypochondriac knows that ear ache means brain tumor. At the very least it means obscure-37-letter-word-ear-canal-tumor. WebMD gave me advice like sinus infection, bruising, swimmer's ear, and pressure change. I thought for a moment that it could be pressure change from the last plane trip I took....it was a year ago. Maybe not. 

I thought about how bad it would be for my ears to ride on a plane while swimming. An interesting engineering feat, but obviously not the cause of my pain. Also I realize that sounds like my ears would be riding on the plane without me. That is a whole separate ear issue.

Mostly what I read was bacteria, inner ear, blah blah, inflamation, blah blah bla-draining the ear (yuck!), blah blah.....

Oooh Rubella.  There is something worthy of an internet-hypochondria moment. Rubella.

*squinting at screen*

Now this Rubella is supposed to be accompanied with joint pain. 

Hmmmm

My knee. It hurt earlier. (I ran into a chair) that qualifies as joint pain.

Then there should be a rash. On my face.  

Those pesky freckles. I knew they were up to no good. Camouflaging my Rubella rash. How am I supposed to get my family and doctor to take my Rubella seriously when these freckles cover up the face-rash?

*clicking links, clicking links*

Rubella can sometimes cause Encephalitis. 

Rubella rash can sometimes be similar to and confused with Measles. 

Very interesting. Click on Measles. There it is a HUGE Measles symptom at the bottom of the page, "Measles can cause ear infections". 

And then the final answer. Measles can sometimes cause Encephalitis. 

This is a clear path:

~Earache

~Rubella

~Measles

~Encephalitis.

The information on what caused Encephalitis was very sketchy, they don't seem sure at all did not seem to fit with my other symptoms (The knee! Don't forget that knee!) but I'm pretty sure I have figured it out...

It's the freckles. They have been causing problems for years.

Now I have to go read up on freckle removal. If I remember correctly, Anne Shirley used lemon juice. I think I'll start there.

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