Grace and Dreams

"They don't have a clue what it is like to live my life. Let them come do it for a month and then see what helpful advice they have for me. I don't think they would even make it a few days. But I don't wish that on them, I don't hate them or want them in pain. Let them keep their cushy lives....and stop trying to run mine."

I know the darkness of depression as it closes in. I know the hopeless feeling of not knowing what move to make next and hoping that everything will just stop....and contemplating exactly how to make it stop....only holding yourself back because of those who would be left behind. And even in that moment, wondering if they might not just be better without you anyway.

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I wonder what exactly grace is. How to live in it. What it means. How it actually applies to a real life. A life lived shattered, torn, and often in darkness.

I find myself begging for grace silently in my heart. Never asking out loud. Never wanting to hear that rejection or try to explain once again a life that someone else will never understand.

Prayers for grace that often sound like, "Please. I just can't take it anymore. Please. Just help me. I have no words, I have no plan that will work, I just need You to do something, to let me know that I will make it through this."

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I wonder if living grace is much less about receiving it than it is about giving it. Giving it to those who don't understand. Choosing to treat their opinions and advice, even when they are extremely painful, as coming from a place of a good intention. I'm sure that they often do come from that place. I'm sure that those people have no idea how much their words cut. At least, I hope that is true. So today I choose. I choose to release anger and hurt caused by their words and show them grace.

They might not extend that grace to me. They might never try to understand, or forgive me for not following what they think is the best path. I will extend grace for that too.

My heart tells me that these people aren't in my life. Not really. They aren't there for the good moments. They don't mourn with me or rejoice with me. Their involvement is more akin to a drive-thru. Or maybe a drive-by.  They care as much as their schedule allows, not as much as their heart can love. <--but this isn't really grace is it? This is my judgement of them. Of their hearts and positions. I am grieved over the judgement that just came from me.

This is the cost of allowing heart feelings to become entangled in relationships. If I truly believe what my heart feels about them, how can I have any relationship? How can I move past that pain? Only a changing of expectations. No longer placing my life in their path with an expectation of love or grace from them-because it probably won't happen.

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I struggle to find a family identity. A heritage that is older than I am. When I was a child I dreamed that I was adopted. Reading books like Face On The Milk Carton only exasperated these dreams. I fantasized what it would be like when I finally met my "real" family.

When I got older, I accepted that I was indeed the child of my parents, at which point I had new dreams. Dreams of tracing back my family tree and finding distant family members who lived far off....and of course in the most perfect of dream worlds we would meet and feel an instant connection that would only strengthen with time. I would move near them and carve out a new life (intentional, perfect, and lived in a small cottage somewhere most likely in the United Kingdom.)

I see now that I have placed the burden of my dreams on my very real family. The ones who do exist and already have relationships with me. They will never be my dream UK family. There is no cottage with roses covering it sitting next to their houses and no new life hiding by them just waiting for me to start living it.

Life is happening now. It isn't waiting for dreams to start or come true. Because they probably won't. That is why they are dreams. They happen in the dark places...only to disappear when the light of day shines down on them.

Maybe grace can be found in letting go of those expectations and leaving the irrational dreams behind. The most merciful thing that I can do for myself and my extended family. Maybe releasing those dreams worshiped in the darkness will bring in the light of morning and life.

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