The True Cuss Words

I have restrained myself from writing a lot in the past three months. There are more unfinished drafts in my folder than I would like to count. All of them passionate, important, informative, heartfelt, and thoughtful. Some of them less than nice. A few of them very angry. Most of them sad. There are lots of reasons I have held back on hitting that publish button. I go back and forth on it.

These unpublished drafts aren't just about one situation. The past few months have been a perfect storm of garbage, hurt, refuse, lies, betrayal, and confusion. My life has become less an act of intentional living and more a long list of barely controlled verbs and adjectives. Some of these things are highly personal, others not so much. All of them are painful.

I have seen people attacked. I have been attacked. I have been hurt, sad, depressed, and sat with those who are feeling the same. A thesaurus is going to be needed soon to provide enough descriptive words or I will find myself covering it all with a blanket of cuss-words knit together with tears.

~I have been encouraged by people who have made hard choices. Stood strong even when those around them didn't know the full story and lambasted them for what they are doing. Have you had that feeling, the one where you know almost too much about a situation and don't want to burden other's with that knowledge?  You know too much that can't be said, so you wait until you feel free to speak? I am standing there.

~Have you seen other people torn down because of jealousy? People within the community who are supposedly working towards the same goal attacking them?  Last night I read an article questioning someone's survivor story. Calling it at best badly written, and at worst a contrived lie. One thing I found upsetting about this was that I felt some of it boiled down to a political disagreement. I am deeply political. You might not know that from reading my blog, but it is true. There are some situations where political divides have no place. No voice. They do not belong, and this is one of those places. If you do not choose to get involved in laws that protect children, then please move out of the way. You are free to do so. At the same time, please do not bash those who choose to do it. (It is one thing to disagree with a proposed law, and another to personally attack someone involved in it) The more hurtful part comes in the way this person took the writings and words of a survivor and twisted them around to use against her. There is no excuse for this.

~I choose to remain silent when I know that my words can not improve the conversation in blog-land. I do not know enough about what has happened in the past.  I don't like to make decisions (especially about people) without knowing all the sides, but sometimes it is possible to learn a lot without any facts, based solely on how the interested parties are acting. When someone resorts to anonymously bashing another person, when they actively spend minutes or hours of their day campaigning against someone (when neither one of them is running for office), when they bring in friends to say vile and hateful things - all while cloaked in a layer of anonymity.....it is a big, flashing, red sign that the person doing those things has issues far beyond this situation. That sign flashes two things. Drama! &  Run Away!

I have spoken and written some very hard truths in my life. I do it out in the open. I do it, knowing that through a simple google search anyone can read it, and knowing that my family does read it. I walk a fine line between speaking out truth and not dragging people into things that they have not agreed to. This is why I don't always use people's names when I write. It is not my place to out their personal stories. I do not try to hurt people, even when they have contributed to my own pain.  I do, however, use my name. I stand by the truth that I speak. I stand by the things that I have written. I don't hide in the shadows in my life. I don't hide in the shadows on my blog. I certainly won't hide in other places. I will not contribute to a hate mongering fest in someone's comment section.

I mentioned that I would need a thesaurus to find enough descriptive words for the past three months, or I was going to resort to cuss-words. Now I'm not so sure that was true. Maybe the real truth is this.....people use the words Shoot instead of Shit, and Darn instead of Damn, and Fudge instead of Fuck, and then excuse themselves by saying those weren't the real words. Not the bad ones. Just placeholders. Maybe Shit, Damn, and Fuck aren't the real words either. Maybe they are just placeholders for the ones that really matter. Lies. Manipulation. Jealousy. Unfounded Accusations. Hateful Words. Hateful Actions. Bullying. Covert Smear Campaigns. Judgements. Betrayal. I am beginning to think that these are the true cuss-words (vulgar and abusive to the core) These are the words that have formed a blanket knit together with tears, dyed red with the blood that these abuses have shed, because words and actions can cut deeper and hurt worse than a knife when used skillfully and intentionally against another other person.

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