-Affirmation

I was watching a video on the Survivor Manual tonight about affirmations.  About strengthening those neuro-pathways in your brain that are good thoughts and "starving" those neuro-pathways that are destructive thoughts.  I was trying to think, if I was to pick one affirmation to concentrate on, what would it be?  What is one really destructive thought that I have towards myself on a regular basis that I could replace with a healing, positive thought?  I thought through several ideas, and then it hit me.  BAM!

Rewind!

Earlier tonight Thomas and I were having a conversation about relationships and meeting people, and he was saying that he's "never met a stranger"  and I said, "you are much more friendly than I am....much better at that."  He was kind of shocked at me saying that and said, "No, you are friendly.  People love you.  You light up a room and I see people flocking to talk to you all the time."  I responded, "People I know talk to me, but I'm not putting myself out there with strangers striking up conversations the way you are.  I know how to be distant" (I've written about this before)

And we had this simultaneous epiphany.......Thomas is good at being friendly.  I am good at being friends.  He does really well having surface conversations with a lot of people, but when it comes to getting close, he is out of there!  I don't do well with small talk, but once I get to the point where I am really friends with someone, once I let them in,  I'm there.  I'm invested in that friendship.  I'm all in......until I start to over-think it.

Now, I have to tell you that my take on friendships is.......tenuous at best.  I don't remember a time in my life when I felt settled in my friendships. Even with people I was really close to.  It always seemed to me that when I was in a group of friends everyone else was closer to each other than they were to me.  I always felt on the outside and different. Even when I was part of the group, I felt like I had to fight for my spot.  I felt like I had to work really hard at being included in every inside joke, and every special moment.  When I was a teenager, I just knew if the group went on a trip to the mall and I missed out on it, I would loose part of my "friendship foothold" because of missing that experience.  It is a very high stress, frenzied way to try to have a relationship with someone.   

Growing up being taught how to lie about abuse and lie about the things that are happening in your life makes it very hard to share real feelings and real experiences with other people.  It makes it hard to relate.....and without relating, it is impossible to have a relationship.  It also makes it pretty easy to fake it.  So even when I feel not close, not good enough, not worth being friends with, on the outside, it looks like I am very close with these people.  Even my husband is having that moment where he feels like people like me better and I am closer than he could ever be.  All the while, I am feeling worthless and tolerated and not a part of the group. 

That brings me back to tonight....watching the video about affirmations.  I was trying to think about one affirmation I would work on.  See, it is really easy to figure out what neuro-pathways are bad, but thinking up a new thought is HARD!  This is when I realized one big blessing that I have going for me.  It is all the things that Thomas says to me, "You light up a room", "People love you", "You really care about people and want to take the time to be involved in their lives, and remember everything about them", "People are flocking to talk to you" ........you know what all those things have in common?  They are affirmations.  Basically he told me, "You are special", "There is something about you that other people don't have - something wonderful", "You are loving and caring", "You draw people to you because of your awesomeness".

Now maybe that last one is taking it a bit far.  I don't know if he really would say that....but thinking about it, maybe I will say it.  Quietly to myself when no one else is around.  When those negative thought come up and I start "beating myself up" in my head, I'm going to pull out those affirmations, even that last one, and remind myself that I really am special!  I really am awesome!  Other people have noticed it, but even without them, it is time for me to start believing it.  It is time to start treating myself that way, and it is definitely time for me to start talking to myself that way.