-Cousin Part Three

Since I am sure that all of y'all are staying up nights wondering about my cousin, (cousin - part 1, part 2) I thought I would come do a nice 3am update.  After two weeks, I got a note back from him. (about ten minutes ago, actually) The first thing that I wonder as I wait for it to open is, will he address the dad issue?......and he does....here is the quote exactly as he wrote it...

"your relationship with your dad sounds a lot like mine...haven't spoken to my father in almost 7 years." 

So, what do I do with that?  Do I make some response?  Do I count that part of our conversation to be asked and answered and now finished?

I guess I should be happy.  Obviously not happy that he doesn't have a relationship with his dad, but happy that he probably understands the uncomfortableness that surrounds the whole "dad question" and seems to not be asking any further questions that would force me to decide just how much to tell him.  But, instead of happy, I have a huge hole in the pit of my stomach right now.  Seriously.  It is the black hole of holes-huge!

I know what is causing the black hole.  The next sentence after the dad comment he talks about remembering visiting us and having hamburger eating contests (with my dad, not with me) at Krystal.  It is this memory that is causing the black hole.  Because now, I almost wish that he would have asked the uncomfortable questions, because it would have opened up a chance for me to ask someone who was a few years older and might have a few clearer memories than I do.......to ask him if he can fill in some of the large blanks in my mind.

Actually there is one blank in particular that I have been searching for.  In my uncle's bedroom, there is one time in particular that I have some memories of because there was a different person there.  Not just the in-town cousins, but someone else.  Over the years I have narrowed it down to either this cousin, or another cousin who is of similar age to him and also lived out of town.  I am pretty sure that it was one of the two of them that was in the room that day.....and I realize now that some of the obsession, the anxiety that I had over his delayed response wasn't just the dad question, but it was this memory.  This memory that I had pushed aside and now long to ask him about....to see if he was the one who was there....if he remembers that day more clearly than I do and can fill in some of my blank places.......to see if he could fill in other blank places that I am not even aware of.....I wonder if the same thing might have happened to him during those summer visits that happened to me....or if he was just in the room...or maybe it wasn't him at all, and it was the other cousin.  This is the question that creates a black hole in my stomach, and it is the question that I know I could not bring up with someone who I have just started an email relationship with after not having seen them for ten years.  Maybe one day we will have a relationship where I could ask, but today is not that day.  For tonight I will be the unresponsive one while I over-think what I will say in response to his cordial, informative letter.  I will try to remember how people have normal social interactions with newly found family members, and hopefully tomorrow I will work up the courage to send him an equally cordial and informative letter.....without any black hole questions.....