I have seen several blogs today with beautiful tributes to dads.
My husband asked me if I wanted to see my father tomorrow and I, of course, said no.
Last year was wierd because we were just "not talking" or whatever that is....maybe a better way to put it is I was freezing him out?? But skip forward to this year and the confrontation has already happened-and I feel different. No more up in the air-no more "what-if's" (mostly)-nothing more to say (on my part).
And then Father's Day comes and what to do..... There is something wierd about it. It isn't that I want to see him at all. But I want to see my dad-the dad I should have had. The dad he never was-so maybe that is sort of like a "what-if" after all.
In a lot of ways I just feel numb about it. I have forgiven him and have gone through so much healing.....but when he reacted the way he did when I confronted him...I mean I expected it-I really did expect it, but I still hoped for something better. For a relationship. I don't know how that would have happened, or what exactly it would have looked like, but there was that part of me that wanted that. And now it isn't like we just aren't talking or I am freezing him out (and really the current situation is totally a product of his actions) what it is really like is that I just don't have a dad. And some days I wonder how I am going to explain that to my daughter when she gets old enough to ask why that is, and I just don't know what to say to her.
Good thoughts for this day:
Happy Father's Day to my husband, Thomas. He is the best dad ever........and that isn't just me saying that about him-our daughter says so too!
Hello Tracie! It's Fathers Day here in the UK too. I didn't realise we had it on the same day as Mother's Day is in march here and yours is a few months later i believe. sorry I hear things are bad between you and your dad.
ReplyDeleteYou know I understand Tracie. My sister and I have probems and it's just never going to be any different and frankly, I find it too hard and too painful. So, for us---both of us---it's better if we do not have contact. Of course I feel bad about it, but that doesn't change the reality of what is...! I think one of the hardes things is reconciling that just because you are related to someone weather it be your father or brother or in my case sister--that doesn't mean you have to try to "make it better" when you know it cannot be better. And of course people feel badly for you and want you to make some kind of peace...well, if it were possible I would...but in my case...we've been down this road many many times and truthfully. nothing changes....Oil & Water.
ReplyDeleteSo, don't beat yourself up about it and when the time comes you will find the right words to explain this to your daughter...!
I am very sorry you do not have the kind of father you should have had. I hope you can enjoy the day anyway with your husband. He sounds like a wonderful man, and you made sure your kids would have what you did not. That is something to be proud of.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear that you've had to go through this. How sad for you all that he simply can't be there for you, as a father should.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve better. Sometimes, I wish the folks who make it hard on us to connect would simply wake up and realize that time moves in only one direction, and you can't undo years of being strangers.
I hope your Dad reads your words of wisdom.